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Ten Reasons Why Writing a Novel Makes You Fat

(and by ”you” I mean “me”)

1. When you seriously start writing a novel you feel that you must sacrifice yourself on the tortured artist alter.  There is no time for exercise. ”I can’t–I must write 1000 words.” (Never mind that you wrote 1000 words on some message board avoiding the novel…)

2. You feel obligated to “become your character”.  Your character is fat. It escapes your attention that you wrote your character fat.

3. Everything that is healthy takes time to prepare.  Time in the kitchen means time away from your computer. How many calories are in a can of cold raviolis and a piece of leftover pizza? 

A Novelist’s Dinner

4. You are a stress eater and your main character is stressed out.  What idiot claimed we must become our main character?

5.  Sitting slumped in your computer chair while you bang away at the keyboard causes your back to go out.  Ooops–there goes the workout again.

6. Your editor doesn’t care if not replying to your novel synopsis plunges you head first into a gallon of Moose Tracks ice cream.

7. When you finally get in a groove and write for hours on end, you put off eating.  When you at last peel your fingers from the keyboard and shuffle to the kitchen you inhale a peanut butter sandwich, three glasses of orange juice, half a jar of green olives, 3 servings of wheat thins and partial block of cheddar. You wonder if you could be pregnant…thankfully not.

8.  You get to that point where all your plot lines start branching away from each other and you can’t remember the one thread that tied them together and did Mr. Maltin teach choir in 3rd period or second, and what was the principle’s name again and…oh to heck with it, where is the cheese whiz?

9. You fall into the bad habit of rewarding your accomplishments. “If I write 500 words on the novel I’ll call in an order to Yong’s Takeout and a pick up a Caramoo Latte.” You’re aiming for a 40,000 word novel.  Do the math.

10.  You’re the type of person that can dream up any stupid excuse to overeat and avoid working out.  No wonder you’re a writer.